OK, guys, so there’s this 2004 book called He’s Just Not That Into You, popular with women because it exposed the lies they often tell themselves in order to be in relationships with jerk men.
With the recent wave of sexual assault and harassment allegations against so many prominent men, it’s obvious there are also lies men tell themselves, causing them to act horrifically stupid toward women and girls.
With the trending of #MeToo, it’s also clear the problem isn’t just famous men – it’s a whole bunch of you “regular” guys, too.
If you are one of those guys, I’m not quite sure how to get this through your thick skull, as I’m not sure if it’s because you’re brain dead or you just don’t care, but this notion that she somehow “likes it” is a bunch of crock. She doesn’t.
So let me just tell you man to man…or perhaps in this case, man to boy…dude, seriously, she’s just not that into you.
- She works for you or is trying to get hired. With a few flirtatious hints you think she’ll be impressed by your power. While it’s true she might be intimidated a bit by your force, in the end she’ll just think of you as weak and pathetic. She’s there to get a paycheck and she’s just not that into you.
- You’re at a gas station and see an attractive woman all alone pumping gas. You decide to randomly approach her with “smooth” verbiage about her looks. What you see is a girl fawning over your flattering words. What she sees is some scary, pervert coming at her, and debates about pouring gas on you and lighting a match. She’s there to get fuel and she’s just not that into you.
- Your waitress or the girl at the checkout counter shoots you a friendly smile. You think you’ve made her day and it’s an invitation to say what you want. Hate to break it to you, son, but all she was doing was being nice, and now you’ve ruined her day with your stupid little vice. She was doing something called customer service and she’s just not that into you.
- You see a woman dressed up pretty and perhaps even sexy. You think she did it special for you and that it entitles you to a look. The reality is she did it for herself, and all she’s wondering now is why she keeps getting stared at by a creep. She wasn’t thinking of you when she got dressed this morning and she’s just not that into you.
- She’s standing right next to you and you notice she has a cute butt. You think that entitles you to a personal touch. You get some kind of cheap thrill out of patting her where she sits and poops. Her…she just wants to take what comes out of there and shove it in your face. She’s just not that into you, and now thinks you’re a piece of ____.
- You’ve had a few friendly chats on social media with a certain “chick.” You suddenly decide, “What the heck, I’ll send her a picture of my penis.” Seriously, little boy, didn’t your mother ever teach you that no girl wants to see a picture of your tiny wee wee?? She’s just not that into you.
- You feel your best chances are to get her drunk or slip her a drug. But stop right there…face it…why did you insanely think to do it? Because you already know intuitively the truth…SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!! Furthermore, having sex with a passed-out person is basically using an unwilling, God-created, living, breathing human being as an object to ultimately have sex with yourself. How demented.
- She doesn’t return any of your numerous phone calls or texts. She doesn’t friend you after multiple requests. And she seems to ignore you ever time you “coincidentally” show up at many of the same events. Dude, you’re officially now a stalker. You’re not her boyfriend or future lover…because she’s just not, nor will ever be, into you.
- She’s your ex and you keeping pursuing her, hoping she’ll take you back. No matter how many ways she says it, you just won’t take her “No’s.” Man, get over yourself, she’s just no longer into you.
- You’re an adult and she’s underage. I don’t care how much she “thinks” she might be into you; she’s not. She’s just a scared, confused little girl looking for real love and it’s not from you. So stop trying to use children to fulfill your unfulfilled pubescent fantasies, and instead grow up and get help.
- She’s your daughter or niece or neighbor’s little girl. But she’s just not that into you…not like that. What she’s into is having an actual father, or uncle, or true neighbor – one who’s a real man who knows how to truly love, care and protect, as opposed to the selfish child you’ve been acting like. As above, you need help. And she’s probably going to need some, too, the rest of her life.
- You’ve paid her money so that she will “love you.” Statistically, there’s a good chance she is a runaway and/or was kidnapped or enslaved and has been threatened, beaten, and drugged. She doesn’t really love you and in reality is just not that into you. She’s just trying to survive another day.
- You’re really attracted to her scantily clad or naked image in the magazine or on the screen. That pose makes it look like she wants you. But the truth is she’s just not that into you. She has no idea who you even are and never will. And if it’s straight up porno…then see the description above.
- She’s your wife…well, there’s a good probability she actually IS into you. After all, she made a willing commitment to put up with you the rest of her life. So love her, respect her, listen to her, hang out with her, lavish her, thank God every day for her (since you don’t deserve her), and do everything you can to make sure she knows how much into her (and only her) you are, too. And remember, just because you’re married doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you like.
Am I getting through yet to your numskull head?
She doesn’t like to be grabbed, pinched or groped without clear permission first.
She never likes to be threatened, hurt or forced.
She’s not suddenly turned on if you flash her or pleasure yourself.
It’s pointless to sneak a peek because she’s not thinking of you at all when she showers or gets dressed.
And, no, she is NOT playing hard to get.
…because dude, seriously, she’s just not that into you.
And if she really is, let her tell you herself. Otherwise, just assume that she’s not.
Still confused? Then ask her first and actually listen to what she says.
Who is “She?” These are daughters, mothers, sisters, nieces, girlfriends, wives, female co-workers, friends, and simply fellow human beings, trying to go about their daily life– each one worthy of love, dignity and respect. Their voices are finally starting to be heard. Make sure you hear them, too.
Note: While I am passionate about ending the lies that men believe, as evidenced by my article “My Evening With a Prostitute,” I don’t claim to have always been above the lies myself. If you are in need of help to rise above the lies, below are a couple trusted resources:
And if you are a victim of sexual abuse or need additional resources on the subject, please check out my friend Nicole Braddock Bromley’s website at:
You make many points. And that’s the problem with this shotgun philosophy that’s crept in the castrated vernacular of today. It’s too many points lumped into one thought. How is it that you can compare an innocuous, non sexual comment to date rape? Yes, you do. When you include it in the same frame under the same tagline you do. It’s absurd. What’s most foul in your blathering is that you suggest that some caught in such a state seek help – after you’ve berated and mocked and most likely shut the ears of the people who, in those scenarios, are the very one’s who would need help. Maybe you should take your own advice and get over yourself? Maybe you won’t, son. Maybe your tiny, tiny mind won’t awaken until you find yourself passing a woman in a crowded store and you inadvertently get too close reaching for the ketchup and she cries rape, not because you advanced, or because you touched her at all, but merely because you once enabled her to judge your thoughts and intentions based on her feelings. Because, son, your narrow view of shortsightedness won’t stop that day from coming if we continue down this slippery slope, and the sky is falling mentality.
Not sure the women and young girls at the receiving end of some of these comments would consider them so innocuous.
But those men out there who truly do show care and respect towards the females they encounter daily in their words and actions should easily see my words don’t really apply to them and, therefore, do not need to be concerned about my blathering. Just my take.
The context of my argument doesn’t imply disregard for protecting and defending children and women, nor does it imply an acceptance of free reign groping. But I think you know that. You’re intentionally conflating and minimizing.
Which one of the scenarios I specifically list does your argument imply there should be acceptance of?
Specifically? That’s part of the point. Some of them aren’t specific. The Cashier and the Gas Station scenario for starters. An age appropriate, innocuous exchange could occur in either situation. You’re not specific in what was said, despite and because of the theme of your writing – it perhaps should be. The reason is that without such specific points of context it is open to interpretation, and in this particular scenario or issue, it can begin to blur common lines, and as we begin to include EVERY situation, as you do here, from merely speaking to a person to using date rape drugs, then it not only minimizes real trauma but sets the standard to where holding a door open for a woman could be considered sexual harassment. This hashtag pile on about this issue has gotten to a point of grandstanding and trendy, losing clout in any real outrage. Not to mention that many are still “accusations”. Poisoning the well in your follow up to my first and insinuating that I’m not a man or a man of integrity in my behavior towards women because I don’t agree with your delivery is extremely hypocritical of you, considering your comment policy. I attempted to point out that hypocrisy in my first reply by using your own word sequences of “tiny” and “son” that you might get the point. Did it not sting? Did you not feel minimized? Those are rhetorical questions, as your initial response revealed the answer. I’d think that it is obvious that these men or boys in your scenarios are sick and need help. Demonizing and debasing and minimizing them, taking an arrogant pitch, is not any real help. Do we repay evil with good or with evil? Puzzling, isn’t it. So, sincerely, I question the motivation behind this entire writing. To me, it seems a tad bit like grandstanding. Such things that you’ve attempted to point out about the failings of men and boys are obvious things – except to those who are sick and blind to them. Such as you once were.
Am I correct then to interpret your response to mean that you feel it is perfectly appropriate as a stranger to walk up to a woman who’s by herself pumping gas and comment to her about her physical appearance and that’s okay to say to a cashier or waitress whatever you like, even if it’s “vice” (defined as ” moral depravity or corruption”)?
Thanks for your thoughts Steve. Randy’s blathering, I mean fancy words and phrases, seems like an attempt to distract from your obvious message to those who prefer to misinterpret innocuous interactions as targeted flattery and an invitation to go where they’ve not yet been invited. I can blather with the best of them Randy.