Jesus and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Woman Caught in Adultery (as told by the church)

Most of you are probably familiar with the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery, but there is an alternate version of this story that is often told by many in the church. Though they may not use these exact words – for it is usually in actions, misplaced theology, or thoughts – it is told, nonetheless.

And whether it is intentional or unintentional or a problem with what was communicated or the filters we receive it through, it is the story all too often heard.

The following is that version:

Jesus and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Woman Caught in Adultery (as told by the church)

Early on a Sunday morning Jesus is teaching in the courtyard when really super judgmental people (meaning anyone but you and me) bring to him a woman caught in adultery.

They make her stand before them and say, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such a woman. So what do You say?”

Jesus quickly picks up his Old Testament scrolls and starts reading through them.

“Hold up a second,” he replies. “I need to look through this and figure out what the specific rules are for this situation and how to handle it. I really care about this woman but I gotta make sure my doctrine’s straight first and foremost, you know. Don’t wanna accidentally be a heretic and break my no-sin streak.

“Aha. I think I found it. But you’ll need to wait just a little bit longer. I need to confer with my committee, check the church bylaws and such. Peter, John, guys, can you join me in the board room for a bit? No, not you, Mary. You know how I feel about that. Don’t want your emotions getting in the way of this important decision.

“In the meantime, someone please make sure this adulterous woman gets some more decent clothing on before she presents herself before me again. Hard to even talk to her if I’m having to avert my eyes all the time.”

3 days later.

“Okay, all!” Jesus exclaims, “Thanks for waiting. I think I’ve got it.

“Whoever is without sin among you, let him be the first to cast a stone at her.”

When they hear this, some of them begin to drop their rocks.

“Okay, Abe.” Jesus chastised, “That means you, also. I know it’s just a little anger issue and not nearly as terrible and horrible as what this floozy woman did, but technically it’s still sin – so put down your stone and be on your way.

“Ben, you too. That drinking problem’s gotten a little out of control.  Although,” Jesus chuckles, “that was…heh heh…pretty funny that one time you got so wasted and peed outside in front of everyone and told all those crazy stories about your wife…heh heh…oh my..”

Jesus recomposes.

“But, well, you know. I don’t need to say anymore.

“And Sam…that pooch is starting to stick out a little more.”

Finally, after a while they all drop their stones and step back just a few feet (but staying within earshot and to where they could quickly pick back up the stones if and when asked to).

“Woman,” Jesus inquires, “Where are your accusers?”

“Um,” the woman responds looking up, “they’re all kinda still there staring at me. But at least they got rid of their rocks.”

“Yes,” Jesus affirms, “they got rid of the rocks. And do you know why?”

She shakes her head.

Jesus replies, “Because although what you did was really a rotten thing…and I mean really rotten…to the point where you don’t even deserve for me to even be standing here with you…and probably a lot worse than anything most of them have done…at least on technicality they still sinned, too. So that’s why they don’t get to condemn you.”

“Oh, I see.”

“But I’ve got great news for you! Because I’m God and, therefore you’re my daughter…even though a very disappointing daughter…it’s important I put up with you…so after we’ve had a little talk, I’m not going to condemn you either.”

“Oh, um, great.”

“But before that, there’s a few things we must do. First, I really need you to realize how bad what you did was. I mean you should be ashamed of yourself. I mean, after we’re done I don’t want you to feel shame. I just want you to realize that you SHOULD be ashamed…that’s all.

“I mean, if it were me, I would feel really bad about myself. Of course, I don’t ever do anything wrong, so I don’t. But if I DID sink that low, I would feel bad.

“But as long as you realize that, everything should be good. Ca-peesh?”

The woman nods.

“Good,” Jesus says with a smile. “Now, I need you to do one more thing. I need you to bow your head and pray with me. Say, ‘Dear, God, who I don’t deserve to be in the presence of.’”

“Dear, God, who I don’t deserve to be in the presence of.”

“I the adulterous woman.”

“I, the adulterous woman”

“Confess that I am a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person who has done a really shameful thing.”

“Confess that I am a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person who has done a really shameful thing.”

“But even though I’m a slut and have always been that way, I know that you are able to forgive, so I ask that you please, please, please, please pleeeeeeeeeaaase go out of your way to forgive me yet once again.”

“But even though I’m a slut and have always been that way, I know that you are able to forgive, so I ask that you please, please, please, please pleeeeeeeeeaaase go out of your way to forgive me yet once again.”

“In my name you pray.”

“In my….er..in Jesus name I pray.”

“There. Now don’t you feel better?”

“Um…”

“I knew you would. And here’s the best news. God will forgive you. I mean, to be honest, Dad is quite pissed and is out for blood. But the great thing is in a little while I’m going to be able to calm him down by giving him my blood instead. Then everything should be cool for a while.”

Jesus looks around. “Now before you go, where’s one of those rocks?”

“Ouch!! What did you throw that at me?” the woman cries.

“I said, ‘Whoever is without sin…’ and well, you know. But even though you are no longer condemned, there still has to be some kind of punishment. It was only one, though, so be glad about that – just as a good reminder of how much worse it could have been.

“Besides, if I offer too much grace without a real obvious consequence, then you might easily go back to sinning again; and then all the people watching will get the wrong idea and do the same.

“I suppose I probably ought to also discipline the guy that was caught with you if they ever bring him around, but let’s be honest… he probably wouldn’t have compromised himself if you hadn’t led him astray with the way you dress and act.

“Okay then. Now’s the part where I tell you to get your act together and go and sin no more. Should be easy, though, now that you’ve prayed the magic prayer. If not, then that obviously proves you just weren’t very sincere. So just make sure you prove yourself really, really sincere before I see you again. Otherwise, I might have to pull out two stones.”

The real story

Fortunately, there is a much better story to be told. And don’t get me wrong, I love the church…there are several in the church who often get it right. It’s just that I still see the above story way too often.

And so, for records sake, here’s the real story (with a little bit of Steve’s interpretation added in parenthesis next to it):

 ¹But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

²Early in the morning He went back into the temple courts. All the people came to Him, and He sat down to teach them. ³And the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery.

They made her stand before them (in order to shame her in addition to testing Jesus)

⁴and said, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such a woman. So what do You say?”

⁶They said this to test Him, in order to have a basis for accusing Him. But Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with His finger.

⁷When they continued to question Him, He straightened up and said to them, “Whoever is without sin among you, let him be the first to cast a stone at her.” (Translation: make sure you look deeply at yourself before you accuse others)

⁸And again He bent down and wrote on the ground.

⁹When they heard this, they began to go away one by one, beginning with the older ones, until only Jesus was left, with the woman standing there.

¹⁰Then Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you?” (Translation: You are not alone in your struggles.)

¹¹“No one, Lord,” she answered.

“Neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. (Translation: I have always favored you, I favor you now, and I will always favor you no matter whatever happens)

“Now… (Translation: Now that you know how much I favor you, now that you know you do not ever need to live in shame, now that you know that your identity is not bound in the things that you’ve done…)

“…go and sin no more.” (Translation: I want you to know you no longer have to live that life. I love you so much I want you to go and live a life that is not harmful to you or to those around you. I want you to know that our Daddy’s “rules” for living are there to protect you because he favors you. I want you to live in a way that you will not easily fall prey to the false belief that you should be ashamed)

(John 8:1-11, BSB)

This is the story of Jesus and the very precious, always favored, beautiful daughter who is forever loved.